Though He Slay Me: Part III

Written October 26th, 2011,

     It’s been three days since we buried little Josh and I felt compelled to write a few lines explaining what I am thankful for at this time. 

     First of all, I am thankful that my family is sharing in the suffering of Christ. “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” 1st Peter 4: 12-13

     I am comforted that I have been brought through an event that helps me understand Christ’s sufferings in a more intimate way. What Christ did for us is infinitely more magnificent by comparison, but losing my son helps me to understand the love of God in sending His Son to earth to die for the church.

     Secondly, I am thankful that the loss of little Josh assures me that I am part of God’s family. “The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.” Romans 8:16-17 

     For a while now, things with Halley and I have been going so well, I wondered how the scriptures that apply to believers going through suffering applied to us. I no longer wonder why we haven’t been “tried as through fire”. The Lord’s rod of affliction is at our backs now, and we hold our hands over our mouths and thank him for his proof that we are loved by Him, because “those whom He loves, He chastens.”

Thirdly, I am thankful that God has answered my prayers. Throughout the entire pregnancy, I prayed that God would bring our child into the world full-term and save its soul. Technically, little Josh emerged from the womb a full-term infant and the Lord has saved him. The Lord has saved him not only from bearing his sin debt in eternal punishment in Hell, but He has saved him from the sorrows and pains of life on earth. I am very thankful for this comfort and am certain my son doesn’t regret getting to spend time on earth. He is much more joyous in the hands of the Father.
     

    I have been praying that God would continually use little Josh’s death for His Glory and God has answered prayer. I have received many emails, texts, and Facebook wall posts commending my family for our faith and strength through this tragedy. To that I say: To God alone be the glory! We rely on Him for our next breath. We are nothing special, but Christ is all! However, it is encouraging to hear that God is using our faith and our loss for His glory. May He continue to do so.
     

     Though my prayers have been answered, I am thankful to know that there is always a prayer that supersedes mine. I will quote from C.H. Spurgeon:
“In our prayers for the lives of beloved children of God, we must not forget that there is one prayer that may be crossing ours: Jesus prays, ‘Father I will that they also, whom thou hast given me, be with me where I am, that they may behold my glory’ (John 17:24). Though I may pray for this or that, I am always comforted to know that Christ is praying for me. Therefore, I must pray, “not my will, but yours be done”.

     Finally, I am thankful I will see my son in the resurrection (1st Cor. 15). When I am raised by the finished work of Christ, I am excited to know that though my future children might be elsewhere with their families, Halley and I will be raised with our son at our right hand! What a joyous thought! I think about this often.
This loss is bitter sweet. 

      I am thankful for all the above, but a pervasive sadness creeps in from time to time when I think of what might have been. I wish I would have gotten to sing with him. I won’t see him smile. I won’t hear his voice—oh, what I would give up to hear his little voice! I wonder if he would like sports. (I hope not) ;) I wonder if he would like to play music like his dad. I wonder what kind of personality traits he would have gotten from me or his mother. I wonder if he would have had mannerisms like mine. I wonder, but three things are certain: He had his father’s nose, his mother’s hair, and his ministry has far exceeded his father’s though he didn't even take a breath. For that, I am happy.