Though He Slay Me: Part I

     

     Today I begin my “Though He Slay Me” blog series. This series exists in four parts, (I have added an additional part) each of which I have written over the past five weeks since the stillborn death of my infant son, Josh Jr. The parts are chronologically progressive and give the reader a glimpse into my thoughts during each period of grief. Even at present, the grief is still enormous; it is something I can’t shake—each day at intervals I will think to myself, “I should be getting up at 1:00 A.M. to feed my son!” Sometimes I will simply think to myself, “I wish I had him here with me...” All the while, God’s grace is sufficient for me. I can truly make that statement and mean it after what I’ve been through.

     I have done some editing to each part in this series, but the first part met the most changes because when I originally posted it on my Facebook page on Oct. 21^st , 2011,  my wife Halley and I were still in the hospital waiting to deliver the baby which we thought was going to be a girl! As you will read later in the series—Halley was to deliver a little boy. I have edited the article to read as if we knew we were having a boy to avoid any confusion. The following is what I wrote the day after we found out we lost the baby:

“It is with a heavy heart and tremendous grief that I tell you my little boy, Joshua Shane Caldwell Jr., did not survive the pregnancy. Yesterday morning I posted a lyric from a Hymn by Joseph Hart on Facebook:

                     ‘Lord, I believe thy grace is free. O magnify that grace in me.’

     …And the Lord has done it! He has magnified His grace in me many times; even in this tragedy His grace is sustaining me. I have so much for which to be grateful. I am thankful for the 37 weeks Halley and I had little Josh. I am devastated and sad right now, but I have hope. I will persevere by the Grace of my Lord Jesus Christ. My pastor wrote this in an email, ‘Josh Jr. rests in the Savior's arms. He knows more about grace than a thousand theologians!’
     
     I am thankful that my son knows more about grace than I ever will. He won’t return to me, but I will go to him! (2 Samuel 12:23) The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.”